9 Posts  •  October 31, 2010  •  WPBundle

You Ever Tried Turning Off the TV

A true inspiration for the children. Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography. We’ll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we’ll go home. And then the battle’s not so bad? I’ve been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?

Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news! Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man. Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!

But with the blast shield down, I can’t even see!

Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you are pretending to be. Dear God, they’ll be killed on our doorstep! And there’s no trash pickup until January 3rd. Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything. Oh yeah, good luck with that. Oh right. I forgot about the battle. [whimpers]

Ok, we’ll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we’ll go ride the bumper cars. Tell them I hate them. What’s with you kids? Every other day it’s food, food, food. [pause] Alright, I’ll get you some stupid food. I feel like I was mauled by Jesus. You mean while I’m sleeping in it? Hello Morbo, how’s the family?

Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news! Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man. Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!

I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk

You’re going back for the Countess, aren’t you? Too much work. Let’s burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer. Oh, but you can. But you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil. And by “devil”, I mean Robot Devil. And by “metaphorically”, I mean get your coat. Eeeee! Now say “nuclear wessels”! Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?

I’m Santa Claus! Ugh, it’s filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we’re at it? OK, if everyone’s finished being stupid. Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets!

Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them? Is today’s hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient? Say what? [hands Bender a wad of dollar bills] Large bet on myself in round one.

Well, let’s just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. But existing is basically all I do! Why did you bring us here? [turns the TV back on] Bender, I didn’t know you liked cooking. That’s so cute. Really?! I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him.

Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems. If rubbin’ frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey I don’t wanna be right. You are the last hope of the universe.

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Author: WPBundle

A Bundle of WordPress themes, and various other treats all packed into one awesome Bundle. We've put a lot of thought and heart into building WPBundle and we're proud to finally show what we've done.

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  1. Reply WPBundle

    Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing? Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.

    12th November 2010

  2. Reply Liam McKay

    Hey, you add a one and two zeros to that or we walk! No! I want to live! There are still too many things I don’t own! Why would a robot need to drink? Yes, I saw. You were doing well, until everyone died. Morbo can’t understand his teleprompter because he forgot how you say that letter that’s shaped like a man wearing a hat.

    12th November 2010

  3. Reply Steve Avery

    Ah yes. I can remember our first lesson in typography. The prof gave us straight orders: “Don’t even try to calculate something! Get a calculator! If you write something, ask somebody to correct it! Half of you are dyslexics and the rest doesn’t even know what a prime number is! But don’t worry – that’s why you want to become designers.”

    12th November 2010

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